Yes it has been a very long time since I have written anything any posted I know.  Honestly i’m not really even sure if anyone still looks at these web blogs anymore.  But it doesn’t matter to me.  This blog is an easy way for me to pour emotion and feeling out that can’t be done physically.

My life is a lot different than it used to be.  People are different, thoughts are different, i look at certain things a different way.  And the biggest difference in my life is a woman i met a couple months ago at a coffee shop in downtown snohomish.  First time i saw her, she was something different.  Her presence was beautiful.  Things came into focus very quickly when i got a text message from a friend of mine that night asking me what i thought of her.  And it went a long ways from there.  Before i knew it, i saw something in her that I had never seen in a woman before.  As mushy as this may sound, she warms everything up around me….she makes everything a lot more fun.  It is literally getting to the point after almost two months that many things in life are not very fun anymore unless she is with me.  Vacations…going to the beach….random drives to random places….dinners.  I could go on but im not writing about events here.

Ever since she came into my life, things changed and for the better by far.  I will be completely honest with myself here by saying if i ever hurt or physically or emotionally, it makes me feel like a poor excuse for a guy and horrible example of what a christian should be.  Unfortunetly, we have had our ups and downs already, thankfully not very many downs though.  This is going to sound a little crazy to anyone who will take the time out of the their day to read this but this woman feels so right and fits into every part of my life so well that…i truely want to marry her.  Not many people say that after this long of being together but what do you want me to say i love her to death.  I want to marry her plain and simple…period.  Well there is a lot left to say but that is for later.  She is at my apartment now so im out.

And it never will. But believing in God and trusting every ounce of your life in Christ that He will take your life and make it useful and happy puts satisfaction inside me that keeps me going day in and day out. Even if I feel like I’m in a hole I do not think I can get out of, I just know that He will help me out of it, reach out his hand to grab mine and bring me back up. Nothing seems easy anymore but knowing that He is there to take some weight off helps me to just keep going. I know I am a Christian and I have givin my life to God and have been baptized, but still I find myself wanting to trust him more and more that it will just get better and I do day in and day out. Why do I feel like I haven’t put my full trust in Him, like I’m scared He will not help me, or not be there for me. How could I possibly believe that He wouldn’t. Does that make me a bad Christian or stupid? I mean I don’t actually think that but I just find myself feeling like I still haven’t put all my trust in God and I want to more than anything right now. Why is it so hard to do something you know will change your life for the better?! I just don’t understand! I find myself praying more, reading and listening to his word more and I actually listen to Spirit 105.3 more than anything anymore..which is something I never did before. God is working in my life everyday, I know this and I feel it every morning I wake up. I am the one with the problem that can’t let Him do what he does best. God knows I am this way, He created me. Why am I so stubborn..why am I so paranoid about things? Why do I feel sad and depressed when I get off work sometimes? Why is the thought of money always a worry?

Before I gave my life to Christ, there were times in my life where I actually wish I could just start it all over again from the beginning and do so many things over differently. Life is life and the past is the past, nothing will ever change that. All I can do is make it better and follow my dreams. And more importantly than anything in the world, trust wholeheartedly that Christ will be there every step of the way and make sure that if I trip and fall, I can look up and see my Lord’s hand ready to help me back up. There are definitely things in my life that need to change and until I trust that Christ will help make it happen, I will always feel like this. This is my simple prayer for the night, that I will whole heartedly trust in Christ, My Lord and Savior that He will always be there for me in good times and bad times and never give up on me. Amen.

Just when you think life is finally taking a turn for the better and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, you get punched in the face and are down again. Thats what it has been like for me in the past week or two. Things were showing signs of pro actively getting better and I could breathe again. Now, once again I don’t know, I am just at the point of slamming my head into a pillow and begging The Lord for help because I honestly don’t know what else to do or where else to go. Everyday, more and more I am wondering why God has me where I am at and how much longer I will be here for, and since it really isn’t obvious I will be blunt and say I’m talking about my job. I just feel like its going no where for me and I don’t know how to give it a boost up. It is so frustrating. Every time I give it my all and try, and try again I just seem to end up at the same spot. I have already seeked helped from co-workers around me to help but nothing really just seems to spark. I want to believe that this could lead to bigger and better things for me, but the road is so rough right now that believing doesn’t seem like its enough anymore. And having a job that your drastically losing passion for and have no confidence in really drags you down, I am finding that out first hand. It is so hard sometimes to keep my head up and keep pushing forward in all this when all I can see is fog in front of me. I guess I just have to keep praying and believe that The Lord will show me what needs to be seen, until then I will just have to suck it up..I mean what else can I do?

The Lord has definitely put a halo over my entire day, from start to finish i can not complain at all.  I have been in a good mood all day, I just have a different attitude today than usual.  I wish everyday was like this.  My workday was just ok in that I got things done but I didn’t make any sales which bummed me out but what can you do.  Things little by little in my life are finally starting to jump and it tends to put a smile on my face.  But nothing is perfect of course, there are a few areas that I wish I could change for my own personal reasons, but all I can really do is see what God wants me to do and shows me a sign for a direction.  I think the one thing out of everything in my life right now that I really wish I was a lot more confident in and have it not always be on my mind is…my job.  I have my good days and bad days just like anyone else, though I don’t seem to come across that many good days for one reason or another.  Maybe it’s the effort, maybe it’s the way I feel about my job, maybe it’s a mental thing..I don’t know.  It’s the one thing that is very uncertain.  I don’t know how to feel about it all sometimes, I just go with the flow and see what happens.

Anyways, putting that aside, today itself was just pretty good.  This week in general has been decent except one day that I felt exhausted all day still not sure why.  God, please help me and tell me if I’m in the right spot or if I need to change something.

The Lord has definitely answered my prayers for some really big things I have been praying about.  For one, my friend and I finally found a new place to live and we are very excited to move and and get everything going.  And even bigger, tomorrow I will proclaim my faith for the Lord to everyone who is watching by getting Baptized, and I am very excited although slightly nervous about it but not sure why.  I am absolutely positive that this is the next step in my life to making it better and happier.   When you do something this big in your life like putting all your faith in God that He will provide for you and be with you every step of your life, with all the ups and downs, it really makes you wonder what kind of life He will put in front of you.  It is without a doubt showing my faith like this is going to be one of the most important things I will ever do in my life…to me anyways.  Where will I be in five years…where will I be in ten years?  Will I be a pilot, missionary, doctor or who knows..maybe selling software my whole life (I hope not).  I have no idea but I trust that He will put me where I am needed most and that whatever I do will impact others.  These things come to mind tonight and just make me think and ponder…..what next?

I became a Christian about seven or eight months ago so I am fairly new and have a lot of questions as you might imagine.  I think I understand what it means to be a Christian, but it seems like every time I hear stories in the Bible and what Christ did for us, I always seem to have a question.  Normal of course, but that’s partly why I go to church; to learn, to grow, to absorb the Holy Spirit, and to meet new people.  Being a Christian to me means being different and being courageous and showing people that living for God is a feeling nothing else can give you.  Personally for me it can be a rush of happiness and excitement all at once.  It’s helping others,  its following His Son, it’s following a path that can only lead to a better life.  Being a Christian is always knowing you have a purpose in life.  That you will never feel alone or left out.  Always someone to pray to,  to love and be loved.  It is truly life changing.

That said…..the thought of Baptism is becoming important and although I honestly don’t know exactly what it means to be baptized (I will find out soon), it is something I am moving closer to.  Although is only lasts a few seconds, the impact lasts a lifetime.

What is more important? They help you, they shape you, they listen, they give advice and personally for me, not only can they make the worst of days turn into the best of days but also they can put a smile on my face for everyone to see.  They bring fun into my life and  strength in my heart.  My friends are also considered my brothers and sisters…they pick me up if I get knocked down.   I hope all of my friends know how much I care about all of them and would do anything for them.   I decided to write this because I just felt that everyone should know how I feel about those who are close to me and I wouldn’t know what to do without em.  And yes I do believe that God is more important than life itself but friends and family are what make life worth living.

Important things had been going through my mind all day long.  I knew it was my mom’s birthday today so every chance I got at work I would try to call and wish her a happy birthday.  Work was long but accomplishments had surfaced.  Things seemed to work out even if it wasn’t how I expected it to.  That is God’s work for you right there, if something needs to get done or reached….even if it’s not the way you had planned on it….it will get done if it is in His plan.  Something I learned a quite a while ago from a friend who helped me to become a Christian, If you pray for something or for someone or need strength and help, one way or another yours prayers will surely be answered BUT it may not always be in the way you wanted or expected it to happen.  The one who taught me this knows who they are if they read this.  I will also remember that because it is very true.

Actions really do speak louder than words and I really found this out tonight when I came home and presented my mom with a vase filled with beautiful flowers and a nice card.  The smile on her face was so priceless that I think it was probably the best moment of the night for me.  It felt so good to make her happy like that.  She actually thought I would have forgotten, are you kidding me?  I guess it’s times like tonight that remind me of how important family is and will always be.

Something…that I hadn’t givin much thought to til today finally hit me like a brick to the face.  I think it really made the official impact when my friend Tim, who I work with, had made a nice sale.  I could easily tell because of his actions afterwards.  I am going to be as straight up as possible about what I’m about to say.  I personally believe that Tim is a damn good salesman (pardon the french), and could really sell anything to anyone, I mean he makes a living off of it.  So after observing everything in that moment or two, and on the entire drive home from work, it really surfaced after weeks maybe months of wondering around my head.  I realized that there isn’t really anything that I am good at.  And what I mean by “good at” is like a nitch that people have.  Sales, Computers, Planes, People skills, everyone around me has something they have a thing for, I couldn’t think of one.  A friend of mine texted me with some encouragement that I am a good sports talker, a good friend and one day I could make a good helicopter pilot.  It did help hearing that and it’s possible, I can’t see the future but it could happen.  It was just kind of a let down that I couldn’t stop thinking about for a while.  God put me here for a reason, this I am sure of.  Maybe to save a life.  Maybe to be a great father/husband someday.  I have no idea but sometime I’m sure He will reveal his purpose for me.  Patience…..Patience.

It’s Sunday morning, for many people that usually means it will be a good day all around because there is church and gatherings and the Holy Spirit just surrounding you everywhere you go but especially today.  I woke up and got to church a tad later than usual but I made in time for a few prayers and a cool guitar group at the end.  To be honest, most Sundays don’t go how I would like them too but sometimes I just can’t do much about it.  Today wasn’t really any different.  Usually when you get to do what you want, your usually happy and everything but my mood just did a big 180 degree turn on me today and I have no idea why.  Midway through the day somehow I felt lonely, nothing around me cheered me up.  Luckily that whole feeling lasted about 30 minutes or so and then faded away.  I guess I just seem to get weird mood swings and I feel sometimes I do it to myself and I don’t even realize it or know how to stop it.  So I don’t know why God has me feeling like this now and then but the most interesting part is, is it effects me on Sundays the most, the day many are happy and lifted.  Half of the day I’m pretty happy and the other half I just find myself in a down shift of mood that is hard to get out of.  It could be spiritual warfare or just a mental imbalance of things going on.  Either way, Sundays just don’t seem to be my favorite day of the week.  But I have to say that when I become happier throughout the day, it’s because of friends that I have around that make all the difference.

Today I believe has been the best day of this week so far.  Largely because of two things; first of all one of the big anchors on my mind lately is moving and I think The Lord answered my prayers a little bit with a light that I saw at the end of the long dark tunnel.  An opportunity had come up today that settled my mind and my thoughts and it felt really good,  the sight of a possible new home for my friend and I.  And second, I was at bible study tonight and we were lifting up names of individuals who we believe need some attention from The Lord and while all these prayers were being lifted up, I thought of something that I should share with everyone that I myself thought was even amazing.  As I look back a year from now and think of all the things that have happened to me, the biggest change in my life in the past year has been through my actions and words from God and how he has transformed me into someone very different from who I used to be.  If you knew me a year ago and saw me today, you would see the difference just from a simple conversation.  His work is truly amazing and changes lives everyday.  I don’t think I could ask for anything more from Him except to just  bring me closer and feel his presence more and more everyday.  I love The Lord so much for what He has done with me and can not wait to see what is next and how far I will go.  Praise The Lord!!!!!