Today was supposed to be one of those days where you want it to be great and work hard and get things done, well it wasn’t one of those days.  I feel like I hardly got anything accomplished and day after day I feel like I’m in a battle I just can’t win. I get home from work at about 6:15 or so and by 7:30 I leave because I am just plain frustrated with the way things are going at home and mentally for me.  Something anyone who reads this has got to understand is that I love my parents to death, I would not be the man I am today without them or God, but tonight I just had to leave because I couldn’t think of anything else to do.  I tried looking for an apartment but when your looking for a small sign that says “For Rent” in the middle of a bunch of buildings in the dark, it just makes it kind of hard to see.   I guess the real and only reason my emotions are going haywire and  I have not been feeling  happy or even smiling lately is because pressure just keeps on building on to getting out of my house.  I don’t think I can really be happy again until some of this just goes away, and my job isn’t helping the cause, but it’s not quite as bad anymore.  I’m running out of time and kind of like the world is on my shoulders in a different way.  It’s complicating.  Yea I know you might think I’m making a big deal about nothing and everything will be ok in time, but that is not how i am looking at it right now. I don’t know how much longer it’s going to take but sooner or later, I’m going to break, it is getting to that point of how I feel.

I am twenty years old and living with my parents.  Thinking about that for just a second, can you think of one twenty year old who wouldn’t want to move out?  I mean honestly, I will admit before about a week ago I really didn’t want to put a lot of effort into looking wheather it was because of lazyness or this or that I dont konw.  What I do know is it is getting to the point where I am very serious about moving out now, I have the financial stability and the freedom is of course something of desire.  Here is the somewhat “problem”.  I have two friends I would like to move out with.  One is interested more in purchasing a small house rather than renting and throwing away money to that.  I understand that and all but that does cost quite a bit of money.  Then the other friend I have unfortunately isn’t as financially stable as he would like to be.   So bottom line is time is against me and I have got to find a place to move.   I truly do want to move out with my friends but only if the location fits our needs and our budget.  So today I was kind of stressing out because it was today while sitting at my desk that truth be told, it doesn’t seem like any of us are on the same page with where, when, or how we want to move out.  I am going to pray hard tonight with my hands in the air that we (my friends and I) can come together soon and decide what we’re doing because personally for me, time is against me and steadily gaining pressure…..and I am tired of that pressure.

It’s finally friday and throughout the week I really haven’t been getting a lot of sleep the past  few nights.  Wheather its staying up late for somethign important or some other reason I seem to not be giving my body as much sleep as it needs.  So here I sit at work with things I really sure be doing but my eyes are just so tired right now that staring at a computer screen is almost making me more tired.  I would love to be able to go home early but thatis just not going to happen.  Even my boss looked at me today and gave me a comment saying I should go home and take a nap smiling at me.  So I guess its back to work even though that is one of the last things on my mind at this point, but work is reality.

Last night after work was a busy night for me.  I went from work which I got off late from, to home to pay bills and get things together to pay them, to bible study and didn’t get home til about 11:30.  Long night but well spent time.  I am glad that I went to bible study, I honestly wasn’t sure if i would have the time to make it there with all the little things I had to get done.  But I am glad I went like always because the leader of my bible study set me on a mission, a commitement actually.  Long story short he wants me to take all the books of the bible and page by page, put them in my own words.  Sounds like a lot of work but something I believe will put me closer to where I want to be with God.  So yea last night was a busy night and I have a feeling tonight will be the same.

Some people out there have a gift for how they express themselves with emotions, words,  and actions.  Unfortunetly, I’m not one of those people that can express themselves that well but I’ll give it my best shot.  I have so many things I want in life and in my future but unless it is in God’s plan for me than it doesn’t even matter.  From relationships with friends and family to the need or want of a girlfriend, everyone wants a stable relationship with the ones there close with.  But what if you don’t have girlfriend or someone to share those special moments in life with?  I’m twenty years old and I have had one serious girlfriend in my life that at one point in time the thought of marriage with her didn’t make me want to jump off a cliff.  She was beautiful, fun to be around attractive in everyway and had the smile of an angel.  I will be the first to admit that it is very sad to still be thinking about your ex-girlfriend almost two years or so after you have broken up.  I don’t really know how to explain myself in terms of why the heck I still look at her facebook when I have nothing else to do, why she floats through my head now and then or why the weirdest things can remind me of her.  Bottom line is I want to meet new people, I want to experience more in life and put everything that is in my past back, in my past and leave it there.

So what is next after everything is said and done, am I forced to live in the past and not move forward, or do I take that important step forward in God’s plan for me to meet the next new someone.  All I know is I am honestly tired of living in the past and wishing that what was, could be now.  So whatever the next step is in my life, I am ready, willing and able to take it and move on knowing I am headed in the direction I was meant to go.

Now in terms of a job/career, that is something I feel I have more of a grip on.  Ever since a helicopter ride I went on back in May when I took an Alaskan cruise, I have been wanting to go back up in the air and see the world from a different view.  Being a helicopter pilot is something I never thought I would want to do but once you get in one, you’ll know what I’m talking about.  Is that the career that is in store for me, time will tell.  Until then I can pray, research, and use that time to make sure that this is the direction I want my life to turn.  Life is full of surprises and I am ready to see what kind of curve balls that it wants to throw at me.

It’s December 27 2007, Thursday morning and I am very tired. On my slow commute to Bothell, I was listening to TFK (Thousand Foot Krutch) a very good christian band that really put the spirit of the Lord into me and it raised me in spirit. So much in fact that I actually raced through traffic to get to work so I could write this and get on Biblegateway.com. Something in the lyrics of the song “This is a call out” really spoke to me and made me smile and I felt like God was talking to me telling me that this morning will be a morning of praise for Him unlike any other. I’ve already read the proverb of the day and I honestly feel like doing nothing but praising and reading His words all morning. I must admit my stomach is shaking a little in the need of food but that will come later. I got a new cross for Christmas this year which is very cool for me considering the one prior to this was very cheesy. If work didn’t exist, my face would be up against the screen reading versus all day and praying. Unfortunetly, work is reality and there is nothing we can do about it. I felt compelled to write this morning because I think someone has to know how I felt and feel and sometimes speaking just isn’t enough.

I am a man of devotion, I am a man of purity, and I am a man of God.  Those are just a few things you may want to know about me.  To go further, my name is Robert Roskelley.  I was born and raised in Lake Stevens, Washington.  I have a supportive family consisting of a mom, dad, and a brother all who I love to death.  I am surrounded by friends who I love and who love me, and like any good friend they are always there for you.   You can safely assume I am a christian, and although I am new to this feeling, I understand why I am here and what I am to do.  I’m twenty years old, and like any other twenty year old man we do have our ups and downs but that is where our friends pick us back up.  Besides serving the Lord, my other job is working for an IT company called Rain Networks.  I am an Executive Sales Consultant with antivirus software (basically I sell software to people over the phone, hopefully that doesn’t sound too boring).  For now I am out of words but  you will learn more about me as time goes on, this I assure you.

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